James Files Anal Probe

Michigan's very enterprising cyber-stalker, April Kelley, has come up with what she believes is a brilliant idea to help prove Wim Dankbaar's contention that imprisoned criminal James Files was the sole assassin of President Kennedy.  She calls it "THE ANAL SOLUTION".

James Files will be subjected to an anal probe, the result of alien technology, she says was brought back by her husband from his recent trip to Uranus on behalf of medical devices company Stryker.

She's certain it will work because she recognizes part of the technology from which it was made.  According to her, part of the device contains her own super secret copyrighted insurance agent software that she believes was sold to the Chinese for $1 Billion in a convoluted web scam.  She's been searching for it for months.

She thinks the Chinese must have inserted the software into the last missile they sent into space in an effort to contact aliens and that somehow intergalactic beings did indeed intercept  it and used it for their own purposes, such as performing anal probes upon unsuspecting earthlings and as an antenna so they could watch old episodes of "I Love Lucy" on their alien space monitors.

James Files is set to endure the procedure right after April Kelley's and Wim Dankbaar's Olympic adventures.  

Mrs. Kelley explained how it would work.  The probe will be inserted rectally where it will then record everything from body temperature to genetic imprinting.  When hooked up to the Truthometer, it will register a kind of true or false reading to determine if Mr. Files performed the horrible deed and if so, did he act alone!   

Wim Dankbaar has agreed to take the test himself right after Files, saying, "If it's good enough for Jimmy, it's good enough for me." April Kelley and her husband Edward F. Kelley plan to be next in line.